Fun story

A young man called his mother and announce excitedly that he has just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should I do ? 
His mother had a idea : "why don't you send her flowers and on the card invite her to our place for a home cook meal ?" 
He thought this was a great strategy and arrange a date for for a week later. His mother called the day after the big date to see hows had gone.
"The evening was a disaster," he moaned.
"Why didn't she come over ?" he ask his mother.
"oh, she came over, but she refused to cook.

A fun story

Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to the bourke street branch of the ANZ bank and went in to ask for immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer was quite taken aback, and requested collateral . "Well then, here are the key to my Rolls-Royce", the man said. The man officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping, and gave him $5000. 
Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. The loan officer checked the record and told him, " That will be $5000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest." The man wrote out the cheque , thanked the loan officer, and started to walk away.
"Wait sir," the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire . Why in the world would you need to borrow ?" the man smiled."Where else could I securely park my Rolls-Royce in Melbourne for two weeks and pay only $15.40 ? "

Funny story

A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter 's birthday and he had not bought her a present. He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager : " how much is that the new Barbies in the window ?"

The manager replied, " which one ? We have , " Barbie goes to the gym" for $19.95, 'Barbie goes to the Ball for $19.95, 'Barbie goes shopping for $19.95', 'Barbies goes to the beach for $19.95', 'Barbie goes to the nightclub for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $375.00 ."

"Why is the Divorced Barbie  $375.00 when all the others are $19.95 ?" Dad ask surprised.

"Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's house, Ken'boat, Ken's dog, Ken's cat, and Ken's furniture. "

Funny story

a four-year-old boy was eating an apple in the back seat of the car, when he asked : "Daddy, why is my apple turning brown?""Because," his dad explained,"after you ate the skin off, the meat of the apple came into contact with air which caused it to oxidise, thus changing the molecular structure and turning it into a different color." there were a long silence. Then the Son asked softly: "Daddy, are you talking to me?" 

A letter from a son at school to his father . . .

$chool i$ really great. I am making a lot$ of friend$ and $tudy hard. With all my $tuff,  I $impy can’t think of anything I need, $o if you like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love hear from you.

Love, Your  $on.

A week later….the response from dad arrived :

Dear  Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmic and oceaNOgraphy are  eNOugh to keep event an hoNOr student busy. Do Not forget that the persuit of knowledge is a Noble task and you can never study eNOugh.

Love, Dad. 

I have to whisper

A mother took her little boy to church. While in church the little boy said : “Mommy, I have to pee.” .
The mother said to the little boy, “It’s not appropriate to say the word "pee" in church. From now on when you have to "pee" just tell me that you have to whisper.”
The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father:
“Daddy, I have to whisper.”
The father looked at him and said, 
“Okay, why don’t you whisper in my ear.”

why did you have to die ?

A man placed some carnation on his departed mother' s grave and headed back to his car . He was distracted by a man kneeling beside a tombstone and weebing bitterly. 
He kept on repeating, "why did you have to die ?" 
The man heading to his car stopped placed his hand on the man' s shoulder and  said , "Sir, you are so deeply distressed. Would you like someone to talk with. Whom are you mourning so deeply. A Child ? A caring parent ? A sibling ? A close friend ?"
The weeping man took a deep breath and replied : "My wife' s first husband"

comma

An English professior wrote the words, “Woman without her man is nothing” on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.


The men wrote: “Woman, without her man, is nothing.”


The women wrote: “Woman! Without her, man is nothing.”

3 males a day ?

A Russian American lady came to see the doctor. She spoke in a very heavy Russian accent:

 Doc, I've been losing weight recently. I am so skinny now. Please, what shoud I do?

The doctor asked her a few questions and then advised her to eat enough:

 You should have at least 3 meals a day, OK? Then you will be OK. Come see me in a month or so.

A month later, the lady came to see the doctor again looking worse.

- What's happening here? You are now even more skinny than before. Did you take my advice seriously?

- Yes, I did, doctor. I always tried my best to have sex with three men each day!

- What? what do you mean?

- Didn't you say: "Try to have 3 males a day" ??!!

what is B. C 1187 ?

Two men, who were visiting a Museum, were seen standing in front of an Egyptian mummy, over which hung a placard bearing the inscription : "B.C. 1187"

Both visitors were much mystified thereby

"What do you make of that, Jim ?"

"Well", said Jim, "I don't know; but maybe it was the number of the motorcar that killed him".

Naming Animals

Adam and Eva were naming the animals of the earth when along came a rhinoceros.

Adam : "What shall we call this one ?"

Eva : "Let's call it a rhinoceros"

Adam : "Why ?"

Eva : "Well, because it looks more like a rhinoceros than anything we're named yet".

why did you have to die

A man placed some carnation on his departed mother' s grave and headed back to his car . He was distracted by a man kneeling beside a tombstone and weebing bitterly. 
He kept on repeating, "why did you have to die ?" 
The man heading to his car stopped placed his hand on the man' s shoulder and  said , "Sir, you are so deeply distressed. Would you like someone to talk with. Whom are you mourning so deeply. A Child ? A caring parent ? A sibling ? A close friend ?"
The weeping man took a deep breath and replied : "My wife' s first husband"

Gosh !

A man has a small shop at the market to get there he has to pass the memorial park.

One day, he gets up very early in the morning to open the shop for early order. On the way to the market, nearly to the memorial park, he is so happy seeing a woman has walked the same way with him.

On the way, they talk together and he asked the woman:  “Where are you going, and why is it too early?” 

The woman replies immediately “I am going to home it was late and she points her figure to the memorial park.” 

Guide

Can you tell me how to get to “Newland” theatre? I got ticket from my cousin for birthday but I am not sure the location.

That’s just where I want to go as well. “Let’s work together, you go north I’ll go south, and we will report progress every time we meet”

3 males a day ?

A Russian American lady came to see the doctor. She spoke in a very heavy Russian accent:

 Doc, I've been losing weight recently. I am so skinny now. Please, what shoud I do?

The doctor asked her a few questions and then advised her to eat enough:

 You should have at least 3 meals a day, OK? Then you will be OK. Come see me in a month or so.

A month later, the lady came to see the doctor again looking worse.

- What's happening here? You are now even more skinny than before. Did you take my advice seriously?

- Yes, I did, doctor. I always tried my best to have sex with three men each day!

- What? what do you mean?

- Didn't you say: "Try to have 3 males a day" ??!!

second language very important

family of mice were surprised by a big cat. 

Father Mouse jumped and and said, "Bow-wow!"

The cat ran away.

 "What was that, Father?" asked Baby Mouse. 

"Well, son, that's why it's important to learn a second language." 

don't worry

A couple has  been married for  ten years and still living in an apartment, the wife would often complain about anything, as she was tired of saving every penny to buy a "dream home".

Trying to placate her, the husband found a new apartment, within their budget. However, after the first week, she began complaining again.

- "Joel," she said, "I don' t like this place at all. There are no curtains in the
bathroom. The neighbors can see me every time I take a bath."

- "Don't worry." replied her husband. "If the neighbors  see you, they'll buy curtains."

like a gentleman

Dick was seven years old, and his sister, Catherine, was five. One day their mother took them to their aunt’s house to play while she went to the big city to buy some new clothes.

The children played for an hour, and then at half past four their aunt took Dick into the kitchen. She gave him a nice cake and a knife and said to him,
“ Now here’s a knife, Dick. Cut this cake in half and give one of the pieces to your sister, but remember to do it like a gentleman,”
“Like a gentleman?” Dick asked. “How do gentleman do it?”
“They always give the bigger piece to the other person,” answered his aunt at once.

“Oh,” said Dick. He thought about this for a few seconds. Then he tool the cake to his sister and said to her,

“Cut this cake in half. Catherine.”

doulbe negative

A linguistics professor was leturing his class one day . "In English" he said :  ' A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. 


However, there is no languages wherein a double positive can form a negative. A loud voice from the back of the room piped up.'Yeah, right'


There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.


An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have: The older she gets, the more interested he is in

Haircut Free

A man entered a barber's shop with a boy of five or six years of age holding his hand. He was in a great hurry and he asked the barber to cut his hair first and later to cut the boy's hair.

"He can wait, I want you to cut my hair first," he said.

The barber did as he was told and when he has finished the man got out of the chair and the boy tool his place. The man excused himself and said that he would be back in a few minutes and would pay for them both. Then he left and the barber began to cut the boy's hair. When he had finished he picked the boy up and placed him in a chair to wait. He gave him a magazine to look at.

A half hour passed. An hour passed. At last the barber said :

"Don't worry, your father will be back soon"

"My father ?" said the boy. "He isn't my father, I was playing in the street and he came along and said : "Come on with me, little boy. Let's go into this barber's shop together and have our hair cut".